Pastor Giveaword wakes up to a beautiful, sunny Sunday morning and decides he just has to play golf.
He pretends he's sick and convinces the associate pastor to preach for him that day, then heads out of town to a golf course about 50 miles away so he won't run into anyone from his church.
On the first tee he sees he has the entire course to himself: Everyone else is in church!
Watching from heaven, Saint Peter turns to the Lord and asks, "are you going to let him get away with this?"
Just then Pastor Giveaword hits the ball. It heads straight for the pin, drops just short of it, rolls up, and falls into the hole - a 420 yard hole in one!
Astonished, Saint Peter looks at the Lord and asks, "Why in Heaven did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiles and replies, "Who's he going to tell?"
Editor's Note: This one came in as an email from a friend of ours and is supposedly a true story. I felt It was appropriate to use on this page.
Subject: BROKEN LAWN MOWER
When the power mower broke and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the "message" never sank in. Finally, I thought of a clever way to make my point. When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments when he came out again. He handed me a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the drive-way "
The doctors say he will probably live, but it will be quite awhile before all the casts come off.
Thank You Dawn And Dick Planty!
Moses & The Lord
"Excuse me, Sir."
"Is that you again, Moses?"
"I'm afraid it is, Sir."
"What is it this time, Moses; more computer problems?"
"How did you guess?"
"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember ?"
"Oh, yes; I forgot."
"Tell me what you want, Moses."
"But you already know, Sir. Remember?"
"Well, go ahead, Moses; spit it out."
"Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those ten 'things' you sent me via e-mail?"
"You mean the Ten Commandments, Moses?"
"That's it. I was wondering if they are important."
"What do you mean 'if they are important,' Moses? Of course, they are important.
Otherwise, I would not have sent them to you."
"Well, sorry, Sir, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them; but, of course, you would see right through that."
"What do you mean you 'lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"
"No, Sir; I forgot."
"You should always save, Moses."
"Yes, I know. You told me that before. I was going to save them, but I forgot. I did forward them to some people before I lost them though."
"And did you hear back from any of them?"
"You already know I did. There was the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not.' May he change the words a little bit?"
"Yes, Moses, as long as he does not change the meaning."
"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"
"Moses, I will act as if I did not hear that."
"I think that means 'no.' Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"
"I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses."
"Oh, yes. I E-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."
"And what did he say?"
"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those -- err -- plagues, and that's the reason I lost those ten 'things', do you?"
"They are not plagues; they are called 'viruses,' Moses."
"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them."
"We will do it the new way, Moses; using computers!!"
"I was afraid you would say that, Sir."
"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"
"You told me to hold up this rat and point it toward the computer."
"It's a mouse, Moses, not a rat. Mouse! Mouse!
And did you do that?"
"No, I decided to try calling technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you? And I really like your hours. By the way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"
"One other thing. Why did you not name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice,' because did you not tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"
"I did not name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to."
"Oh, that explains it. I bet some woman told Adam to call it a mouse. After all, was it not a woman who named one of the computers 'Apple?'"
"Say good night, Moses."
"Wait a minute, Sir. I am pointing the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten 'things' have come back."
"Which ones are they, Moses?"
"Let me see.
'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and
'Thou shalt not uncover Thy neighbor's wife.'"
"Turn the computer off, Moses.
I'm sending you another set of stone tablets."
Click ~~~>Here's A page For Little Kids to look at !
Click ~~~>Here's another one !
A MAN & HIS WIFE
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday
"I'd love to be six again, " she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up made her a nice
big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to the local theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the
Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a
McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra
fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog,
popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and
lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being six again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed!!!
"You idiot, I meant my dress size!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna
get it wrong.
CLICK~~~> Man & Wife Switch Roles <~~~HERE
DO POLICEMEN HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR?
Who says cops don't have a sense of humor? Comments taken off of actual
police car videos:
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out
after you wear them awhile."
"Take your hands off the car and I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know,
that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun."
"So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write
anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't
think it will help. Oh! did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again
or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or
not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to
ride on rides, eat cotton candy, & step in mud & animal poop."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At
least you know someone who can post your bail."
"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.