|
HERE'S A BUNCH OF AMUSING THINGS
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
Men, Try to Learn to speak "WOMEN."
Men might learn to "Speak" woman,
but they will never understand "woman". Men say "I do!" and from then
on, life is a blur of explanation and confusion. As far as men are
concerned, the marriage should last as long as the honeymoon and then be
dissolved. But these are "speak" woman meanings...
"FINE" -- This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel
they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how
a woman looks -- this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
"FIVE MINUTES" -- This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five
minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the
trash, so it's an even trade.
"NOTHING" -- This means "something," and you should be on your toes.
"Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting
to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually
signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".
"GO AHEAD" -- At some point in the near future, you are going to be in
some mighty big trouble.
"GO AHEAD" (With Raised Eyebrows) -- This is a "dare." One that will
result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the
word "Fine".
"GO AHEAD" (Normal Eyebrows) -- This means "I give up" or "do what you
want because I don't care. " You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in
just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk
to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
"LOUD SIGH" -- This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an
idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing
here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
"SOFT SIGH" -- Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. "Soft
Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or
breathe, and she will stay content.
"THAT'S OKAY" -- This is one of the most dangerous statements that a
woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think
long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have
done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in
conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
"PLEASE DO" -- This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is
giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have
for doing whatever it is that you have done (and it is possible that you
may not have "done" anything, but the perception is the reality). You
have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you probably won't
get a "That's Okay".
"THANKS" -- A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "You're
welcome" and don't ask any questions or add any comments and you'll
probably be safe.
"THANKS A LOT" -- This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will
say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies
that you have offended her in some callous way (intentional or not), and
will quite often be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask
what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you
"Nothing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Only in America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people
can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large
fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain
the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. (Amen)
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns
in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process so well: 'Poli' in Greek meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
EVER WONDER WHY?
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline! "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pretty Amzanig
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a
wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be
at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed
it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey
lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Pretty
Amzanig huh?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We'll Have more as time and money
permit. Keep checking back every month or so.
HAVE A WONDERFUL BLESSED DAY !
|
